so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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