Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
