What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
