saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
