I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
