I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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