Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
