I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
