Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
