he puts the penis in happiness.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
