one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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