Your face is a jimmy john
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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