Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
