Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
