May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
