if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
