Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
