I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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