I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize