the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
