We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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