dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
