i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
