Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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