Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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