it was like his penis was on wheels.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
