The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
