my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
