So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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