Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
