I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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