youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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