my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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