i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
