Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
