im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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