New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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