Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
