Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
