my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
