she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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