i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
