i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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