His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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