Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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