ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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