She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
