Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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