Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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