Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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