I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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