you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
