I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
