i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize