This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
