I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
